IT'S COMPLICATED (Revised Version)

RELATIONSHIPS, be it the long- or short-, term kind - PLATONIC, ROMANTIC, PSEUDO, and even the kind that EX-LOVERS have or anything that has to do with the connection existing between two (or more) people having dealings with each other, have at [more than] one point been a real pain in the ass.

it's during these times that you're torn between holding on or letting go, patching things up or calling it quits. you're confused about how you feel, what you think, and what you do. everything is in shades 0f grey. in fact, you are even baffled about your so-called status - what do we call " US " now?

kudos to the makers of friendster/facebook for providing us with the answer, the newest addition (but quickly gaining popularity) to our status options - IT'S COMPLICATED.

well, it is, isn't it?

sometimes no matter how hard we try to understand the what's, how's. and why's, we are still left perplexed. and more often than not, instead of getting answers to our questions, we are showered with more issues.

we strive to find our way through the haze keeping in mind that if we try hard enough, in the end, we'll see a "pot of gold" - answers, lucidity, and peace of mind.

but then again, our efforts could turn out to be a futile attempt to find gold in a pile of sh*t. and then you'd find yourself back to where you started; like some sort of deja vu or something. only, you've really been there before. you've really done that before. you've really said those things before.

such thing has become a recurring event in your relationships (or life, in general) that the only thing you could do when it hits you again is to let out an exasperated sigh. HAAY.

and then moments after, you try again. harder this time. you never give up until you're totally drained - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

i guess this just shows how much we value our relationships.

either that, or we really have the knack for complicating things.

maybe our constant quest of finding answers and understanding why things are the way they are, is what really causes the snag.

maybe we ought to see things at their face value.

a PLATONIC relationship is well.. platonic. hehe. you guys are friends - nothing more, nothing less.

a ROMANTIC relationship isn't always romantic. you should know that by now. but hey, nobody said it'll be a bed a of roses all the time, right? it'll be a hell of a roller coaster ride, and whether you make it together till the end of the ride or not, IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

PSEUDO relationships - the "parang kayo, PERO HINDI" kind. need i say more?

UNCONVENTIONAL relationships - the kind that is, most of the time, under the society's scrutiny just because it doesn't fall under the so-called norms but has, in one case or another, worked things out better than the "normal"ones.

THIRD PARTY - now that i think about it, there's really nothing complicated with this kind of set-up. there's just more than the allowed/necessary number of persons involved. and cowardice. and selfishness. and lies. and hurt. and anything else that screams "WRONG".

EX-LOVERS. well, EX is the operative word. 'nuff said. haha!

i am not saying that you take things nice and easy; that you not make any effort when things are messed up.

what i'm saying is that you should know when you are fixing things or when you're making things worse.

there will be times when you would feel that the entire universe is in conspiracy to make things hard for you. it's you against the world.

but then so what???

you should be flattered that world noticed you. hehe

go ahead, try to fix what you can, try to understand what you can. give it your best shot. but when all else fails...

BREATHE.

and instead of thrashing about manipulating seemingly stubborn forces, why not just BE STILL and let things be?

THE YEAR THAT WAS, IS, and WILL BE

at the onset of the year 2010, i remember saying "2010 will be better". now that it has ended, i guess i can safely say it was indeed better. so much better.

:: year-end of 2009, jlo, earl, and i, survived the non-pedestrian streets of ho chi minh; lazied at mekong delta river; and relived the war days of Viet Cong guerrillas at cu chi tunnel.

:: it was january when i reached my first peak - Gunung Rembau. YEAH!!!

:: and then i conquered Kota Kinabalu. ehem. *wooot!*

:: march wasn't really part of the better months of 2010. a pseudo relationship has ended and when something ends, doesn't it make you sad? it does. and when you're sad, what better thing to do than get away, right? so i did. and i found solace in caramoan islands with the company of my friends, of course.

:: i ran my first marathon in april and then ran a couple more 10KM's since then.

:: i volunteered to teach english to kids from Myanmar but stopped after a few sessions. tsk. i hope i can find time to go back there for it's really fun to be around kids.

:: it was july when i found my happy place (a.k.a BALI) :D



:: who would have thought getting a year older can be uber fun? my 26th birthday was a blast thanks to my MY friends

:: for reasons which i now think are really trivial, i left Scope International. but despite its pettiness, i don't really regret that decision. sure, i do miss the people and the work there and the feeling of actually knowing what you're doing, but i needed a fresh a start and i'm getting it now. i admit it isn't much of a better choice, then again, there's no night support - that would do for now.

:: september is love because of den. and den is love because he's mine. *yikee!*

:: then there was the evolution of hair. ha ha!

:: arrivals and departures don't only happen in airports, it does in our lives as well. in my case, it's in the form of friends. several of them have decided to leave MY for good. that means lesser people to hang out with, talk to, go on trips with, and have inuman sessions with. deng. now, i catch a glimpse of new faces here and there, some i've formally met and became friends with. and although they could never replace those who left, i am looking forward to getting to know- and spending time with- the new friends i've made. i wish we could all find time to get together - both old and new MY people.

:: the year 2011 did not start out great because my grandfather passed away but a part of me is thankful for i know that he's in a better place now where he's not in pain and more importantly, with nanay.

:: there's so much to say about NOW, but simply put, i'd say it's blissful and blessed. and i have Him to thank for that, diba Lord dudePareKoTsong? ;)

:: this year, i have Phuket and Hong Kong to look forward to. wheeee!

:: then i have this super size me project plus i need to do some serious thinking about my career. which do you think should i prioritize? hmmm... ha ha!

2010 was great but 2011 will be even better. i'd make sure of that. and if you're reading this post, i know you were part of my 2010 (and maybe the years before), so thanks! :) come and have a tremendous 2011 with me.

DEN

you were the guy who seldom talked to me whenever we're around other people

..the guy who thought of me as a distraction (watda!)

you were my "accomplice" in one of my go-gaga-over-a-frog" [mis]adventures

and the guy who made fun of me over "mr. disappointed"

you were the guy who remembered i needed new earphones

..the guy who, surprisingly, can recall details/moments about us which i have deemed insignifcant or simply forgotten

you were the guy who always wanted to tag along

and the guy who claimed he was one of the kids i had fun with

you are the guy who never fails to say "thank you" even for the littlest of things

.. the guy who misses me just right after spending the entire day together

you are the guy who often trips over himself (sheesh! clumsy)

and the guy who laughs out loud at any amusing thing i say

you are the guy who made adjustments on his "friendly" meter because you know i'm the jealous type

..the guy who wants to beat me at almost anything but never does (ha ha ha! beh! *yabang*)

you are the guy who cooks for me (a good one, at that) and the guy who keeps reminding me to eat a lot time and again

you are the guy i fight but who doesn't fight back (well, atleast not yet.. ha! subukan mo lang! hehehe)

and the poor victim of my mood swings, rants, and petty issues

you are the guy who stops when i say you're being too makulit

...the guy who says sorry and actually knows what he's apologizing for

you are the guy i won't assure anything of nor make promises to..

but you will be the guy i'd conspire with to make "US" work out for as long as we both want to

happy first of many months! :D

YIKEEE!!!!

hahahaha! high school???

3 dots! ;)

COPY - PASTE

there are tons of things i'd like to write about, so many things that i don't even know what to write first. ha ha!

i browsed my old posts in facebook hoping to get some idea on how to put down in writing every nagging thought i have, but instead i found myself LMAO at some of the things i wrote before. deng. i am emo. hahaha!

i wasn't inspired by any of those notes but i did find some stuff worth re-posting.. :)

SARBEY

WHAT IF SOMEONE INSULTS YOU AND TELLS YOU THIS

1. Ang arte mo!

:: pr0ud 0f it, dear

2. Mas matalino naman ako sayo.

:: oooh.. eh bakit nandyan ka lang at nandit0 ak0???

3. Crush ako ng ex mo.

:: ex is the operative word.. s0, keber.

4. Am bobo mo pala sa History!

:: wh0 cares? i can predict the future.. and guess what? y0u're n0t there.. ha!

5. Bilisan mo naman!

:: eh kung bagalan m0 kaya n0h

6.Ang sungit mo!

:: *silence* taas lang ng kilay

7. Gusto mo ng away?

:: actually, kahit sa mga aawayin eh may taste ak0.. t0o bad, kahit sa ganun level di ka pasad0..

8. Takot ka ata sakin eh?

:: eh hija, tumingin ka na ba sa salamin recently? cn0 ba naman di matatak0t sa ganyang itsura..

9. Mas mahal niya ko!

:: pansin k0 nga.. di nya nga k0 magawang layuan eh.. :P

10. Ambababa naman ng grades mo!

:: ang baba naman ng standards ng sch0ol m0

WHAT IF SINABI SAYO ITO NG CRUSH MO?

1. Crush kita.

:: crush lang? ch0z! mahal m0 k0 eh

2.Di kita mahal.

:: SINUNGALING!

3. Mahal na kita.

:: salamat naman at namulat ka na sa kat0t0hanan

4. Pakopya naman ng assignment.

:: kiss muna! haha!!!

5. Crush ko yung friend mo.

:: crush nya ung bestfriend m0.. bagay kay0.. pareh0 alang taste.

6. Pwede patabi sa upuan mo?

:: kand0ng na lang ak0 say0.. ahihihi

7. Cute mo magsmile.

:: cute din ak0 sumimang0t..

KAPAG PARENTS MO ANG NAGSABI SAYO NITO?

1. Umuwi ka ng maaga.

:: kelan??? hehe

2. Magaling ka pala sumayaw?

:: aha! huli ka! nag disc0 ka din?!

3. Hindi ka pwedeng pumasok sa klase.

:: ok.. penge pa din ng ba0n.. :)

4. Bawal ka maggirlfriend/boyfriend.

:: wushu! ala naman kay0 nagawa nung nagkar0on ak0 n bf eh..

5. Bakit ba mainit ulo mo?

:: nagtan0ng pa kay0. hmpf!

6. Bakit ngayon ka lang?

:: buti nga umuwi pa k0 eh.. ;p

7. Bakit ang baba ng grades mo?

:: mali kasi sag0t nung katabi k0.. pagalitan ny0 nga... sheesh

***

RIGHT KIND OF WRONG

it's just like breaking the rules, sm0king, 0r even as simple as eating t0o much ch0c0late. y0u kn0w it's bad f0r y0u but then y0u d0 it again - g0 against the n0rm; light an0ther stick; crave f0r m0re sweets.

because s0meh0w, y0u kn0w that the c0nsequences are n0thing c0mpared t0 the sense 0f euph0ria that engulfs y0u with each (mis)adventure, each puff, each bite.

i kn0w because i'm 0n that very page n0w.

n0 matter h0w certain i am that my chances are s0 far 0ff and that this is actually g0ing n0where, i'm still here - n0t wanting t0 m0ve an inch. just stay here.

why?

it's simple, really.

i'm happy. even f0r just a fleeting m0ment, I AM HAPPY.

s0 wh0 cares if it's wr0ng when it feels s0 right, right?

***

POV

0N BEING RIGHT...

... i seri0usly think it isn't always necessary t0 be right. h0w d0 y0u kn0w what's right 0r wr0ng in the first place? just because s0mething d0esn't g0 with the n0rm means it's wr0ng. it may n0t be right f0r n0w, but wh0 kn0ws what it will be in time? i'm just saying..

ON THE FUTURE...

...it's overrated. i swear. pe0ple w0rry t0o much ab0ut it - what will we d0? what will happen? what WILL..." sucks. all we d0 is plan, plan, plan.. and if things d0n't turn 0ut the way we planned, we get frustrated? s0 what's the p0int in all that? why can't everything be just sp0ntane0us.. sp0ntane0usly planned. HA HA!

ON THE INEVITABLE

... if it's b0und t0 happen, it will happen.

ON CHOICES and CHOOSING

...i've said this bef0re and i'll say it again : life is g0od cause it gives us ch0ices. but then it c0mpels us t0 make 0ne. what and h0w we ch0ose is 0ne thing.. living up t0 our ch0ice is an0ther.

ON WHAT'S FAIR

...n0things is.

ON WHAT'S UNFAIR

...n0w, this, is relative.

ON WHAT's, HOW's, and WHY's

...it's funny h0w we ask such questi0ns even th0ugh we are well aware 0f the answers. even funnier is h0w we never run 0ut 0f such. after 0ne is answered, one after an0ther again arises. but here's the thing, it's always best to answer every WHAT, HOW, and WHY truthfully - with n0 sugarc0ating t0 s0ften the bl0w.

ON FACADES and GETTING BY EACH DAY

...n0 matter h0w c0nvincingly y0u think y0u exude the "i'm d0ing just fine" facade, traces 0f h0w y0u really feel will betray y0u.

ON HAPPINESS

...can't really say much. the 0nly kind i kn0w 0f is fleeting.

***

JUST ANOTHER HOW TO... FOR DUMMIES

this n0te is inspired by diana marie.. hehe! thanks di f0r all0wing me t0 make my 0wn versi0n.. ;p

HOW TO MAKE JK GO GAGA OVER YOU

:: take time t0 get t0 kn0w her

:: spend h0urs talking t0 her.. ab0ut anything and everything... but m0st specially ab0ut th0ughts 0r feelings y0u d0n't n0rmally share with 0thers

:: make her laugh - fr0m flirty, demure giggles t0 laughing her ass 0ff kind 0f laugh

:: sh0w her the real y0u.. n0 pretensi0ns; n0 facades.. just y0u

:: fl0wers. yes.. fl0wers.. [all] girls are flattered when they get fl0wers, right girls?

:: she's a family pers0n and values friendship as well. it's imp0rtant f0r her that the pe0ple she care ab0ut get al0ng with each 0ther. get t0 kn0w her family and friends as well.

:: take her 0ut on dates. fancy 0nes are ok, 0fc0urse.. but she's fine with street f00ds, a game 0f billiards, arcade, mall h0pping, 0r m0vie dates.

:: watch sunsets with her

:: g0 star gazing

:: take her 0ut 0n r0ad trips... bring her s0mewhere far 0r settle f0r j0y rides

:: enj0y breathtaking views with her

:: write her n0tes

:: share her passi0n f0r music. listen with her. sing with her. sing f0r her.

:: all0w her t0 speak her mind when she wants t0 and keep her silence when she can't v0ice 0ut

:: read her bl0g. s0mtimes it's helpful t0 read between the lines.

:: d0n't ign0re her

:: listen t0 her whines

:: give her the time and attenti0n she s0 deserves

:: kn0w when her "n0" actually means "yes" and her "yes" means "n0" (ha ha!)

:: ask her t0 dance. yes.. the pr0m-sl0w-music kind 0f dance. she d0esn't care where just as l0ng as the music is right...

.... there. simple, right? the list c0uld g0 on and 0n.. but i'd leave it t0 y0u t0 figure it 0ut. c'm0n.. u still have t0 exert s0me eff0rt and must have y0ur 0wn way t0 w0o her.

n0w, let's g0 t0 the slightly harder part.

making me fall is 0ne thing.. making me stay inl0ve is an0ther.

HOW TO KEEP JK

:: make her feel secured

:: put up with her m0od swings

:: try new things with her

:: d0n't lie t0 her t0 make her feel better

:: as much as p0ssible, settle arguements with her bef0re the day ends

:: snuggle. laze ar0und and str0ke her hair.

:: kiss her 0n the f0rehead fr0m time t0 time... n0t in the way y0u kiss y0ur grandparents. hard t0 explain. y0u sh0uld kn0w.

:: let her h0ld y0ur hand and play with y0ur arm every chance she gets

:: y0u d0n't have t0 c0nstantly tell her y0u l0ve her. say it when y0u truly mean it.

:: respect her

:: d0n't make her jeal0us

:: just because 0ne act made her really happy means y0u can d0 it 0ver and 0ver again. twice 0r thrice is pr0bably ok, but always.. nah.. definitely n0t. c0nstantly find ways t0 surprise her.. even in the littlest 0f ways...

:: hug her fr0m behind

:: never ever take her f0r granted

:: call back when she hangs up.. run after her when she walks 0ut 0r DCs unexpectedly

:: when s0mething's wr0ng, d0n't expect her t0 blurt it 0ut. she expects y0u t0 figure 0ut what's b0thering her and n0t just keep 0n asking. if y0u're really clueless ab0ut it, just wait, she'll expl0de and tell y0u anyway. hehe.

:: when she says there's n0thing wr0ng but acts like there is, it's pr0bably YOU wh0's b0thering her. haha!

:: kn0w the difference between her usual silence and her "c0ld silence"

:: let her cry. d0n't walk away when she d0es specially when y0u're the reas0n f0r her tears. n0 matter h0w much she hates y0u at that m0ment, she wants y0u t0 still be there beside her

:: she's stubb0rn and can be very persistent when she badly wants s0mething.. bear with her while y0u can and exert eff0rt when y0u want the same thing she d0es. but if n0t, snap her back t0 reality and just tell her 0utright.

:: she's the type 0f pers0n wh0 never gives up easily.. she's willing t0 endure anything f0r as l0ng as she kn0ws it's w0rth it. but this d0esn't mean she'd be able t0 hang 0n f0rever.. keep in mind that pe0ple get tired.. eventually.

:: d0n't change. she fell f0r y0u f0r wh0ever 0r whatever y0u are at that time, try t0 keep it that way. if y0u can't help it, just make sure it's f0r the better.

:: all0w her t0 gr0w individually as a pers0n in the same way she'll give y0u time and space t0 gr0w individually as well.. and then gr0w t0gether.

*whew*

is that t0o much t0 ask? hehe

...

You, by the light

Is the greatest find
In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side

You set it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only life

And this could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse
Than knowing you're holding back

I could be all that you need
If you let me try

You set it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only

I only said it 'cause I mean it
I only mean 'cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you

You set it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark

And I'm in love
And I'm terrified
For the first time and the last time
In my only...

sometimes no matter how much you want to go all out or believe something is true, you hold back because time and experience has taught you that things aren't always what they seem. people come up with all sorts of games for which anyone can be a player.. some are wise enough to recognize the game thus allowing them to come up with a good game plan while others are too naive to even realize they're part of it until someone shouts GAME OVER.

bew!tching gurl ©

BLANK SLATE

i don't have any work to think about nor do i have any important thoughts to ponder on. i have free time.

i'm supposed to finish my blog about bali but for the longest time now, that post has been in draft stage as i don't have any idea what to write next.

what i do have now though, are some random truths about me, that (for whatever reason), i seem not to mind sharing.

i love to read. i used to like those mushy romantic novels but now i can go for any genre as long as i know it's worth spending my money and time on. i love to read but lately i've been quite lazy to do so, much less scout for new, interesting books. booo!

i'm a lyrics person and i find it weird how some people can just listen to songs without really understanding what they mean. peyton sawyer once said that she believes things will find you when you need them to find you. and for her it's usually song lyrics. same goes for me.

i am vain but i have tons of insecurities. should there be a but there? or is it because i'm vain that i have insecurities? whatever. i am vain and i have insecurities.

i am very particular about bathrooms. i am ok to sleep in a not so nice room as long as the bathroom passes my "standards".

i find it hard saying NO.

i got drunk-wasted once and i swore never to do that again.

i am flattered knowing there's quite a few people who actually reads my blog. thank you! :)

peas, beans, and gelatin are few of the things i don't eat.

when i am mad, i keep quiet most of the time. if you're the reason why i'm pissed, i expect you to figure out why without me telling you.

i like guys whom i can have fun and intelligent conversations with.

watching a movie alone and travelling alone are things i have yet to do.

i have the tendency to rush into things.

the cliche "what you don't know won't hurt you" isn't something that actually works for me.i always want to know. i ask questions with obvious answers and i won't be satisfied until i get it from the person i want to hear it from. getting the answers does not guarantee i'd shut up already, i could ask again.

i am bold enough to ask somebody i like, out. ha ha!

i am nervous about starting over in a new company.

i am not as smart as people think i am. really.

i get too attached to people, places, and things.

i have made stupid decisions and spontaneous mistakes.

i once was the "other woman". i know how it feels to wait for one's available time; how to suppress my demands because i wasn't sure if i had any right to; how to be denied; how to always be an option but never the choice; and i certainly know what fleeting means.

i am still redeeming myself after i have sunk so low in my life.

i've been smiling silly quite often, lately.

there's a number of reasons why i should be happy but i can't seem to allow myself to drown in such euphoria just yet. because truth is, i feel like someone's going to burst my bubble any minute now.

i am ready to start on a blank slate now, are you?